October 23, 2008
I just came back from a show. At the show three bands played, one of the bands was so utterly horrible that it made me like punching the lead singer in the cock. This travesty is known as Jaguar Love.
The name alone is pretty gay. If you know anything about cats, it's that cat love is painful. Why? Well that is because a cat's penis has spines that point backwards which scrape against a female cat's vagina. I guess the name fits because it did feel like my ears were being penetrated by a cat's barbed penis.
The lead singer sounded like a high-pitched gay preacher who so happened to be the singer of a 80s hair metal band. He seemed to just really suck, like there are no ways to explain it, let alone understand it.
Guitarist and bassist I had no problems with. They seemed like they had some idea of what to play, too bad isn't all that great.
The drummer, well I don't really know what to say about him. He had a laptop doing something behind, I think it was supposed to be spitting out some beats or something but I couldn't hear a thing. It seemed a bit pointless to me. He did have some sort of setup with it, I just really didn't figure out what the hell he was doing with it. Maybe it was a, "Oh hey, did you see that I have a MacBook Pro? It's pretty awesome."
The irony is I am typing this on a MBP, which I totally love.
Oh, let me tell you about their outfits! This screamed thrown together rock group straight out of a VH1 "Let's Rock" TV Show in which 10 people compete to be the ultimate band. Douchebag clothing was definitely apparent. Especially with the bassist and vocalist. The vocalist just looked like an idiot, I would seriously see him as a transvestite sometime in the future. The bassist looked like one of those tall strung out meth addict; long hair and gay hat included (I wonder if he was trying to look like an indie Slash). The other two just were wearing white v-neck shirts and pants. Nothing crazy.
It was pretty amazing that I found myself standing there trying to find something to like about them, but nope, I just stood there among all of the Polysics fans waiting for them to get off the stage. You could see the fear and confusion in the fans' faces, the desire to cock-punch the lead singer for being such a douchenozzle.
Jaguar Love sucks and puts on a horrible live show.
October 6th, 2008
A naked turk?! Well, I am sure Turks are pretty sexy if were talking about people from turkey. The reality is, I don't think someone was searching for naked Turkish people, that just doesn't sound like something someone would search for in these days of the internet. What I did was turned to the internet and asked what a Turk was, well... it turns out it is The Turk, a chess-playing automaton (robot for you in laymen terms).
Now, what could be sexy about a chess-playing robot that would compel you to want to see it naked?
I thought really long and hard and it kept making me think about how silly it is when I use my pick-up line, "You just upgraded my floppy disk into a hard drive."
Then it hit me, what isn't sexy about a robot made in the 18th century! It only goes to show that robots have been around forever. Plus, the guy who constructed it in 1770 was named Wolfgang von Kempelen! I don't know if the guy was as cool as Wolfgang von Puck, but I can imagine von Kempelen to be pretty awesome and probably the first geek ever.
Unfortunately, I have to reveal the bad news I had discovered myself. The Turk was actually a hoax. They had some chess master inside controlling it. Pretty lame if you ask me. It still didn't change the fact that The Turk beat Napoleon Bonaparte and Benjamin Franklin.
Since I am doing my best to find exactly what you are searching for I searched for hours on end, I even lost sleep over it. To you my Nude Turk seeking searchee, I give you a Naked Turk.
Damn, I really hope the guy didn't mean turkey. If so, please refer to last Monday Inquisition, I found some hot turkey porn picture.
September 29th, 2008
You know, many people forget that there are multiple types of turkey. Over 6 types! Can you believe that? I thought there was only one type of turkey. The types of turkey are:
- Fresh
- Frozen
- Hard-Chilled
- Turkey Parts
- Ground Turkey
- Specialty Turkeys (Smoked, Free-Range, Organic, Natural, Kosher, Heritage Turkeys)
That's a lot of turkey types! I bet every one of you thought there was only one type of turkey and that was "turkey." The problem with this list, we often forget about the important type of turkey... the girl turkey.
The Girl Turkey is the most beautiful of all the turkeys. It's a sad reality that I am reminded of as I bite into a tasty turkey sandwich or a turkey drumstick from the local renaissance fair. The Girl Turkey is what makes the world rotate. Without the girl turkey life would be a meaningless hole.
If you saw a girl turkey you would understand what I am talking about. Oh wait, I have a picture, it's sad that not many have seen a girl turkey.
The only thing that is known about girl turkeys is that they are the most beautiful bird in the turkey world. Without a doubt, when you see a girl turkey you may just have a hard time containing yourself.
If you are looking to court a girl turkey, there are a few things you can do.
- Dress as a guy turkey. - May be crazy but the most effective, girl turkeys are known for their severe case of agrizoophobia. Trust me; they really are really strong about that.
- Compliment her snood. - Sounds a little forward, it isn't. She will probably wink at you or something. If you play it right, you will be taking her home.
- Talk about the California Turkey - It's the equivalent of talking about Australopithecus to an anthropologist.
- Tell her to fly for you. - That's right, saying that is like telling a whale she looks like a salmon. We all know that the smaller wild turkey is the only turkey that can fly.
- Tell her Ben was right. - Saying Benjamin Franklin was right about his suggestion of making the turkey the national bird will definitely win her little turkey heart.
So there you have it, a list of ways to get that girl turkey you have been eyeing for quite some time now. So get up, and put that turkey suit on, you have a girl turkey to win over!
