When you think you have it figured out, life figures a way to reset any progress that you have made, leaving you left out in the cold with nothing but your shoes and a coat keeping you warm for what you consider your life. Take a journey, open your eyes, your mind, and you will find what you are looking for. Just close your eyes and turn the knob.
People back in the day, at least I'm told, rode horses around because there was no such thing as the automobile. Well, the fact of the matter is, why a horse? Horses are lame as crap. All they do is eat and shit and sometimes eat their shit. I mean, they serve no purpose, at least a cow ends up as a delicious hamburger or steak.
What I am getting at is, there is no real excuse to ride a horse. We need to look at more awesome animals that are worthy of having to ride around town on.
But horses are romantic and calm and can bring you to locations that are hard to get to by car!
Hey, how about you just shut up?
I have compiled a list of animals which need to begin the domestication process.
Imagine riding a wolf around all over the place. That would be awesome! I mean just look at them, they are awesome. Then again it would be like riding a dog into town and people would think you are crazy.
The main problem with a wolf is they look a bit gangly but still look really cool. Thinking about a wolf makes me want to wear a sweater with a wolf painting on it. That is pure awesomeness and pure life.
FACT: Wolf paintings get all the women turned on.
Is it worth it? I don't think so, seeing as how the wolf is not really a massive animal that you can ride around. That means we must tame them to be our attack dogs. What about wolf dog hybrids, we have those? What about them? Are they wolves? No? Then let us move on!
Cougars are awesome. Main reason, cats are freaking awesome and can kill all kinds of things unlike dogs. Dogs just mess people up and hurt people badly, but a cougar will devour someone. Another reason is, people are more scared of cougars. If you were out in the desert or anywhere walking around and you heard or saw a cougar, you would run. Don't lie, you would run really far and really fast. Too bad if you do that a cougar will chase you and kill you like the stupid sheep you are.
Just look at it! It's so mystical looking; it looks well in thought, like it probably is eyeing a coffee shop.
FACT: Cougars love coffee.
Most attacks on humans are actually because the human was carrying a bag of Columbian Beans.
FACT: Cats are better than dogs.
Then again, like the wolf, how ride able is a cougar? Not much. I mean a saddle would be massive on such an awesome creature. I guess like the cougar, we must domesticate these as attack dogs.
BEAR!!!!! Just kidding, there are no bears here. This only proves why having a bear would be awesome. The thought of a bear near anyone scares the crap out of people, except Grizzly Man.
Bears look awesome, they look happy when they just are walking around all nonchalant. Main reason they walk like that is because they know they are bad ass. They don't mess around with anyone because they don't need to. They just show up and everyone is bending over backwards because no one wants to piss off a bear. NO ONE!
The problem with a bear is that it really isn't a super fast animal. It is ferocious and mean looking and walks all bad ass but if you are running late, I guess you are better off taking a bike.
FACT: Bears are afraid of bikes.
So, this is probably one of the most reasonable animals that riding into town would get you some. People would look at you and be impressed at the fact that you aren't riding a gay horse.
Lastly, my favorite, the elk is the prime choice for an animal to get you from here to there.
Unlike a horse, after your elk starts to get old and lazy and slow, you can take it out and shoot it and make an elk burger and various forms of steaks. Elk tastes quite good.
FACT: Elk is Spanish for awesome.
The elk is a fast animal and is the perfect size for a human. You can throw a saddle on that and ride into town looking all awesome. It also has some bad ass antlers. That probably is the closest to a unicorn you can get. Just looking at an elk makes you realize how awesome it looks.
To even make your pet elk more awesome looking, put an awesome metal armor mask on its head and maybe some chain mail. Then you have an awesome animal. If you need it to be more aggressive looking, sharpen the antlers daily and you can stab jerks who call you gay.
In a way, the elk is the bad ass brother of a horse. It is like your friends brother who buys you and all your loser high school friends alcohol and cigarettes.
FACT: Elk are awesome.
In conclusion, I want to domesticate an elk and ride it into town.